We got a wardrobe! Huge thing with plenty of room for every piece of clothing and accessory we own. Huge thing needs room, and that prompted the big moving and rearranging of the rest of the apartment. I was surprised how the changes, the cleaning, the sorting and the moving affected me. I was excited, nervous, then cranky, tired, and in the evening ridiculously happy. When we went to sleep at 1 am, the world was beautiful and my man was the best. I haven't slept so well in years. I woke up motivated and ready to tackle the tasks of the day. I'm in love with our wardrobe!
Now that I have the wardrobe as a physical reason to really sort out things and clean and organize, I'm unstoppable. My man is asking if I'm okay, because he has apparently never seen me so invested in the household! I can feel the energy of our living space moving, changing, waking up and paying attention. I'll be done with the big tasks by the end of the week. Then the magical cleaning and working can begin!
I cleared a surface for my first ever altar, found a beautiful scarf and today came across big wide candles in ceramic bowls that I knew belong there. I'll see how my man reacts, and whether I can prevent him from putting his cell phone and hand lotion there, as it is in our bedroom...
As for magic and enchanting, here's my response to the prompt.
I'm still keeping it small, focusing on getting my place clean, shiny and ready. I'll be making a honey pot or two as soon as I can, many people are talking/writing about them and I haven't heard of them before! I'm learning tarot, though I have a hard time coming up with questions for myself.
I'm not a fan of doing magic or reading for every single thing. I make decisions and I carry the consequences. I have to act in real life to get any results, and right now I see magic as a way to get to know myself , and a "power kick" in addition to physical action. I'd do magic to focus on my intent, get clarity about what I want and then have a remainder of that clear intent and act towards it. I see this kind of magic everywhere, a "lucky necklace" here, a vision board there, somebody looks at their list of goals every morning and imagine they already achieved them, I have a picture of the phone I really really want hanging on the wall above my desk... I also often see people throwing all the responsibility on the circumstances, or the spirits, the cards, the energy, etc. They ask everything and everyone for signs, unable or unwilling to make a decision, and by default ignoring the signs they are given. This is why I'm careful and slow with magic. I'll celebrate the holidays and I'll do rituals and I'll read cards, but I'm wary of giving up the control over my own decisions and actions. Thoughts?
(Also, I REALLY REALLY want to take the Strategic Sorcery Course that starts on 2nd February! A lot of what Jason Miller writes resonates with my understanding of magic , the course gets brilliant reviews by newbies as well as experienced practitioners, everyone seems to be talking about it, and my birthday is on the 6th February! I'm just gonna wish for it really hard. And strategise.)
I've also been paying more attention to my dreams and my intuition. Since the pomegranate-seeds-ritual and then the solstice ritual, the little voice in my head wouldn't shut up, and sometimes it takes over and talks out loud. I invited it in, opened up for it, I said "for a year and a day, you're welcome" ... and it still surprises me anyway. It's been telling me pretty often to light a candle, burn incense and acknowledge the presence of the other worlds. I think it's a practice of daily offering slowly taking form.
I also started having peculiar revelations, encounters and conversations... A few days ago, I went to my neighbor, who is also a good friend, to borrow some tools, and ended up talking with him for two hours about his life, advising him on decisions and telling him some brutal things (he then admitted that he already sort of knew all that to be true, but noone ever said it outloud and directly to his face, and then he thanked me for it). I got home, shaky and cold, didn't really remember half of the conversation, bee-lined for the candles and incense sticks, lit them, then loaded a plate with lunch and spent an hour grounding, calming down and warming up. I'd say WTF?!? but then again, I opened the door to magical, mysterious, weird and scary, so I guess the invitation has been accepted. Anyone else had ever happen that to them? Was it my crazy talking or is something happening there?
I love reading everyone's responses to the prompts! I'm following every single blog that's participating and glad to see I'm not the only one who's behind (muhahahahah)!
Clean surfaces and tiny voices
Too cool for school.
Something I've been putting off: School.
After looking directly at this prompt, it showed itself in its whole ugly truth. School is a big part of my goals for this year, but now I see it is the one I would put off again. I'm ashamed every time someone asks me how long till I finish school, and I deflect, change the topic, make something up, I don't even want to look at it and answer it honestly.
So I'm going to find the enthusiasm and the high of being a student and learning, and I'm going to finish school. Make it a priority. Something I do every day.
Exams in two weeks, here I come!
My goal: DO stuff!
I'm soooo behind on the prompts, and writing about the prompts.... but I'm catching up and accepting that it won't be perfect, and it's not a reason for giving up. This is the answer to Goals Prompt.
Last year, instead of just setting goals, I chose a word. One word to infuse everything I did in 2011. That word was DISCIPLINE. It was the thing I felt I needed to master in order to move up and on, to achieve the goals I would set for myself. As the year went, I often thought that I lost the word, I didn't learn discipline and that nothing has changed. Until the dark and the cold came, and with it the spirits demanding attention, and I suddenly saw the changes, the little steps that were adding up over the year... and finally on the solstice night, my mom who I was doing my first ever ritual with, and who had no idea about my word, said:
"You changed a lot this year. It's like you learned discipline."
I could cry and squee and hug her for those words. I know it is nowhere near perfect, but it is now my friend instead of being a scary lifted finger from everyone better than me. I learned discipline, its importance and its rewards, and I'll keep working on mastering it my whole life.
It's a week into 2012 now, and it's been great so far! My word for 2012 is DO. You can imagine how funny it is to people when they ask what my goals are for this year and I seriously answer:
"To DO stuff."
I feel it really is my word. I know what I want to do, what I wish to do, what I dream of doing, what I put off doing, what I talk about doing, .... but now I'm going to DO it already!
I did a lovely ritual with one of my spiritual sisters and her circle - we planted our goals in form of pomegranate seeds in a pot and said them out loud in front of the circle. Then we gave them water, and took them home. That was late november. Just a few days ago, first of my seeds sprouted! I can see two little green leaves, and as I have no idea which of the goals it is, it can be any of them!
I did a ritual on the solstice night, intuitively and without reading any instructions, and told my intents to the night, to the spirits who were listening and to myself. I did an extensive write - up of all the things I'm doing this year. As this experiment goes till Valentine's day, I have nice 5 weeks to plan the baby steps!
I dance. I dance when I'm awake and I dance when I'm asleep. I learn dance from others, I teach dance to others. As of last three months, dance is what feeds me and clothes me and gives me roof over my head. This makes me ridiculously happy, but it also makes me feel terribly responsible .... and sometimes unworthy. I am still a student myself, there is so much I don't know, and I need to practice more, to learn more, to DO more before I'll be good enough to teach. Also, there is the whole "my own secretary" thing. The not so fun stuff of marketing, e-mails, replying, dealing with sometimes unpleasant people. So this is what I'm DOING:
I'm practicing dance every day. Hello my dear instructional DVD collection!
I'm reading and trying out two chapters of dance anatomy a week.
I'm preparing for teaching classes as well as I can.
I'm preparing for performances and dancing the pieces in their entirety a few times before the day of the performance.
I'm cross-training to become a better dancer. Pilates, yoga, strengthening are my favorites.
I'm doing more active marketing (putting fliers everywhere on my list of places!)
I study. Or I'm trying to. But anything with a deadline turns an ugly shade for me, and exams and papers tend to have a deadline, or a date... I love to learn, but the school's pace is so fast that any very interesting topic I'd like to know more about gets 10 minutes in the lecture and then it's done. Not fun. Also, I had to work a job and the hours weren't always tolerant of my studies. I failed many courses just because I didn't show up, instead making sure I could pay my rent and buy some food month after month.
No excuses now. I set my own working hours, I pay for school and I better finish it, dammit!
I'm studying for exams, starting tomorrow with registering for at least 4 exams that I'm taking at the end of the month.
I'm organizing my school stuff, throwing out everything I don't need anymore.
I'm putting attending classes high on my priority list.
I'm looking for a study group for each of the exams.
Next term I'm taking classes from other topics that interest me. Psychology! Religions! Archaeology! Because I can learn everything I want.
I'm in debt. Who isn't, right? Well I won't be at the end of this year. This goal is continuing from the last year of discipline when I found a budgeting tool I love, and managed to record my income and expenses for two last months.
So I'm continuing to work on my loving relationship with money.
I'm keeping track of my earning and spending.
I'm reducing my debt and paying back regular installments as big as I can afford.
I'm buying only stuff I need.
I'm eating out only once a week.
Experience is worth more that potential clutter.
I'm earning more than I'm spending.
I'm attracting great clients who love what I do and pay happily for it.
I'm finding other ways of generating income.
The spirits have found me again. Every year when the nights get longer and the air gets colder, they come and try to get my attention. But never have I felt it so strongly. They want to talk. They want to listen. They want to show. They will hold me accountable. I gave an oath, for a year and a day I will hear what they want to say, what they want me to do, I will study, I will practice, I will do magic instead of just reading about it, I will travel to other worlds instead of just remembering it, I will try and find my path instead of standing undecided at the crossroads and wanting it all at once.
These next 5 weeks:
I'm cleaning my apartment, physically and magically. Clutter out, air and light in.
I'm meditating every day if possible. I'd like to have the apartment empty to not be disturbed, but I can't have that always. With time, being able to meditate with others in the house would be awesome.
I'm writing everything down. I have a personal journal, and recently I found a perfect magical journal that made my hands shake and my heart beat faster with how perfect it is. It wants to know everything about this year.
I'm celebrating holidays. Either alone, with a friend, or with a group. Ritual, or just lighting a candle and acknowledging that something is happening. Anything will be much more than what I've been doing past years.
I'm joining the local core shamanism drumming circle. Take part at least once in the next 5 weeks and see if I can stand the people.
I'm finding my ancestors. Asking my grandparents from my mom's side to identify the old family pictures. Asking my cousins from my father's side if I can have some of the old family pictures.
I'm learning tarot. Handle the cards every day. If it's a reading, or just looking and getting to know them, doesn't matter.
I'm reading the books about magic, shamanism, card reading, meditation and self-knowledge I accumulated over the past few years. They show up when you're ready, and I now have a tabletop full of them.
I'm making my spiritual practice as important as the other goals, not just something to do on the side, when I have some time left (which I never have). I'm making time for it, and using it well.
How can I support my goals magically? I'm going to be more aware of my thoughts and language first. It's how I create my reality, and anything I do, I have to think it first. Being aware is very important for me. Being aware of how I think, how I feel, how I act, and being able to take a step back and change it. It applies to everything.
I don't feel I should do magic to achieve my goals yet. I still feel like a student and I swore first and foremost to study and practice. I'm sure I'll find more magical means along the way, now just being held accountable is a huge help! I invite the spirits, the few readers of this blog, and all you fellow charmers, to watch and prod and cheer, and be aware. We can make it :)
Making Way for New Year & New Me!
This was a kick in the ass for me ... Clean house! Gee, where do I start? And that was two weeks ago...
Reporting progress as of today. In the last two weeks, I packed up clothes and shoes and in-line skates I haven't used for over a year and put them in a Caritas container. The very little space this freed in my bookshelves-acting-as-wardrobe showed me how many clothes I own, and how much I need an actual wardrobe with doors ... to organize and hide our clothes. Also, 3/4 of our shelves are filled with my clothes. My man has, like 3,5 shelf. Gotta do something about it. Like get the actual wardrobe, one with more shelves. Hello Ikea!
I brought out ALL the "recycle-stuff" like paper, plastic bottles, metal cans, etc. We keep filling the boxes until they are overflowing and then one of us can't stand the sight anymore and organizes a trip to the containers and for a while it looks nice again... So I pay more attention to that now and take stuff with me when I'm leaving house anyway.
Broken electrical appliances. There are stations where I can bring them to be recycled. I've known that for 5 years. So I went the next step. The opening dates and times are in my calendar already. Now just to get off my butt and walk there. Scheduled for next week.
Tons of magazines and cut-outs and papers with notes on them... go through them and throw out everything I don't love. Donate to a doctor for her/his waiting room maybe, I saw that idea somewhere and liked it!
Unfinished projects. Finish them. Then put away all the "ingredients" needed. My stuff exploded all over our workroom, it's everywhere. It's the 3/4 principle again. I gotta finish that costume. Finish the dance journal, and start the new one. Write the letters and send them. Sew the bag for the drum. And the pants. And the overskirts. Hang the pictures and the pinboard.
Stand up from the computer every 45 minutes and clean the apartment in small doses. I can't put in four hours of cleaning. I used to do that for good money. Noone can make me do it for free. And I can't afford to pay someone yet.
Cleanse magically. I can't wait to do that! Because it will mean the apartment is clean physically. Somehow I can't do it when I know there is still junk to go, and floors to mop and shelves to reorganize. Makes me feel like a hypocrite.
Time well spent. I love my life right now and love it more every day. I earn my living doing something amazing, beautiful and fun, I can study, I am surrounded with books, I live in a time when knowledge and information is incredibly easy to access and I can be anything I want to be! I have amazing friends, the best boyfriend ever, loving family, two cute fluffy cats, I live in my favorite city in an apartment I wanted. I wish to spend my time being even more aware and more thankful for all this. Like, duh, clean my apartment... Read my books. Dance more. See my friends more. Learn more. There is one thing I should do less, guess what? Computering. Is it a made-up word? Yeah, so what. Staring at the screen, reading blogs about people doing interesting stuff instead of doing my own interesting stuff. DO. That's my word for 2012. I will spend my time well, and DO more.
I went for a walk today, dragged my man and his sister out too. It was windy as hell, and cold.... it was beautiful, rarely sunny, and the wind was playing with the fallen leaves, making them fly like torn-up butterflies... I found a key on the ground, I wonder what it unlocks.
I don't have a big rock weighing me down, more like many smaller rocks and I am buried under them, bruised and barely able to move. Debt. This year will be dedicated to eliminating these rocks. One after the other. I'm looking forward to seeing the last rock disappear.
For a Year and a Day
So, in tune with latest random occurrences telling me to get my magic on, to finally put to work the thousands of pages I've read in the past 14 years, to decide what path I'll follow and then walking it ... there comes this wonderful challenge from a wonderful blogger I recently discovered , and hell I would've been on board two days ago, if blogger would be so kind and work on fridays...
Now the sparkly button is up, the pledge is done. Here I am, getting up and starting on a path, and I believe this experiment will help me discover just what path it is. The mirror and the map of the walk will be this blog, sometimes in different languages, sometimes in cryptic words and pictures, you know, like usually.
For a Year and a Day, starting kind of now, and officially when I light the candles and whisper my intentions to the longest night of the year, I'll be getting up and DOING STUFF. Just to see if I can, if I should, if I'm able to pull this through. All last year leads me to believe and trust that I can and should, that I actually have to. See you along the road, fellow travelers!
Obsessed
Dlho nič, a už pomaly ani neviem ako sa píše na slovenskej klávesnici. Najviac mäkčeňov a dĺžňov je v zápisníku ktorý nosím všade so sebou, a tie texty nebude nikto nikdy čítať.
Posadnutá slovami, obrazmi a obrázkami, zožltnutým papierom a atramentovými perami so zlatou špičkou ... posadnutá tancom, starým striebrom a čarom pódia, kovbojskými čižmami a koženými bundami, zaprášenými starožitnosťami a drevenými rámami, pouličnou módou a pouličnými muzikantmi ... a do toho zápisníka sa nezmestí všetko. Tak to príde sem. A možno to niekto bude čítať.
Long time nothing, and I've almost forgotten how to use a slovak keyboard. All the writing is in my notebook that comes with me everywhere, and noone is going to read those pages.
Obsessed with words, visions and pictures, yellowed pages and ink pens with golden tips ... obsessed with dance, old silver jewellry and the magic of the stage, with cowboy boots and leather jackets, dusty antique stores and wooden frames, street fashion and street musicians ... and it can't possibly fit the notebook. So it comes here. And maybe someone will read it one day.
blurry dawn at schönbrunn
backstage magic at tribal prague festivalSilentio
Niekedy strávim celý deň v tichu. Nerozprávam, nie je s kým. Mačkám stačí pohľad a pohladenie. Tancu stačí hudba. K jedlu rozpráva nejaký film alebo správy, a knihy mi rozprávajú v hlave.
Keď mi náhodou v takýto deň niekto zavolá, mám problém nájsť svoj hlas. Niekedy vôbec nezdvihnem, aby som neprerušila to ticho, ten sľub mlčanlivosti, zložený v samote.
Niekedy nemá zmysel rozprávať, nie je tu nikto kto by počúval, a niet o čom.
Niekedy som stroskotanec na 70 m2 v meste preplnenom ľuďmi.
Niekedy to potrebujem.
A niekedy sa z toho idem zblázniť...
